Dreaming big dreams can be … scary, exhilarating, trigger insecurities, and offer hope all at the same time! Do you ever have the feeling that you were made for more than your current life circumstances? Day-to-day just seems to be so fast paced, the routine so ingrained, the demands so overwhelming, that even the idea of dreaming big dreams seems so unrealistic. And do they even make sense? Am I being selfish because I want more? I mean, shouldn’t I be content with this life God has given me? Then why is there this longing in my soul for something more?
Several years ago I had this big “ah-ha” moment, although it was really a season instead of a moment because it took me quite some time to process and figure out what was going on in my head. The previous 10 years of my life had been a wild ride. Three kids all in that super active and involved stage where you easily put 25,000 miles on your mini-van in a year. Operating and growing a business with a lot of responsibility and leadership requirements that never seemed to end. Struggling to keep up in every area of life – marriage relationship, happy kids, operating a business out of the house, clean home, shopping/meal prep, relationships with those important to you, ministry opportunities, and oh yeah … time with Jesus every day to hopefully keep it all together.
Internally, I felt like a time bomb waiting to explode. And I’m sure at times, I did. Then one day, one beautiful, life-changing day, I heard a speaker and author at our national business conference, talk on having God-sized dreams. It spoke to me on the deepest level as I realized that my internal struggle was the desire inside to get out of my current rat race and stop and figure out if the pull I was feeling in my soul was because it was time to make a big life change. I came home and devoured Holley Gerth’s book, "You're Made for a God-Sized Dream". And then went back through again, highlighter and journal in hand.
I began to recognize that in the hustle of my daily life the past decade, I had lost a big piece of my soul. Who I was at the core, doing the things I enjoyed that filled me up, having time for relationships with my family and friends, and investing my life in others for the purpose of God’s kingdom. Even having time for normal emotions was a luxury I could not afford. I obviously could not give up my responsibilities at home or caring for my husband and children, although the load was beginning to lighten as the youngest one was now driving. So that really meant evaluating and taking a step back from the business I had worked so hard to build over the past almost 20 years. But I had felt my heart changing for quite some time even though I didn’t realize what was actually happening.
To make that decision to step back from leadership, from the crazy life of growing and building was frightening. It would involve disappointing people I cared about, being willing to be misunderstood, and to give up the financial security that came with success. But I knew it would be the only way to resuscitate what was left of my soul. I wrote this down from Holley’s book, as it really spoke to the direction I knew I was being called.
“Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life…” 1 Thessalonians 4:11. He is calling me to smallness, stillness, peace and life. He is stopping me from striving, giving me permission to slow down, my worth is only in Him. This is the ambition I want to live with, to live for … a quiet life … especially on the inside. Where all the demands have been silenced … and all that is left is ambitious, outrageous, scandalous Love calling my name. My role is obedience. God’s role is results.”
Now Holley is a fellow introvert, so her thoughts and writing resonated with me even more. But I think something all of us desire is a “quiet life, especially on the inside.” And oh, I struggled with that! I wrote in my journal following that paragraph, “Everything I’m reading in this book, in the Bible and in my Spirit all seem to be telling me to slow down physically, mentally … enjoy people, my family, ministry. But I’m mentally having a hard time with the adjustment. I don’t think it’s about measuring up but more of a work ethic/laziness issue. This feeling of value only if there is something to show for my time because there is always “work” that could be done. In a way, I feel brainwashed. I want to relax but I don’t think I should? And I feel guilty if I do. I do know I am tired of striving.” Can you relate to any of that? That adjustment to truly let go, rest, relax, enjoy life, have fun, was a slow transition. And I’ll write more about that some other time, but I’m happy to report I have figured it out! No longer is it a problem—ha, ha!
See, in order to find the dreams I had inside me, and to give birth to them, I had to have time to nurture my soul back to life. To re-discover who I was and what big dreams God might have for me this next decade of my life and beyond. As Holley says, it takes …
“… courage to say yes to the whisper within us and what we’re being asked to do. We take the first step of faith and find that rather than falling, we suddenly feel like we’re flying. Parts of who we are that have been dormant, perhaps for years, spring to life again. We discover we can do more than we thought we could in ways we might not even have imagined. Rather than an obligation, life begins to feel like an adventure.”
This! This is living! I so want to encourage you to first, pick up a copy of Holley's book. Second, begin to ask God to show you if He has a dream inside you that you’ve been too busy or pre-occupied to recognize. And third, start journaling your thoughts as you go through this journey. Years from now, you’ll be so glad you did!
In case you’re wondering about my big dreams … once I stopped and took this time to re-adjust my life and figure out my purpose in this next season, my dreams continued to evolve and change over the last several years. I have moved through the doors as they’ve opened, and been detoured many times along the way, but God keeps surprising me with beautiful dreams along pathways I never could have imagined. (Including this most recent one of writing a blogging website!) He also allowed me to keep my hand in the business I have now been part of for over 25 years, when I thought at the beginning I would be moving on. He is so gracious to give us our needs and desires.
One last thought … summing up months of painful yet joyful re-discovery in a few hundred words seems to be lacking so much. I would be remiss if I didn’t add that very little in the process toward each dream has been easy or without pain and loss. As Rick Warren wrote in a devotional on faith,
First, God gives you a dream for your life. Then, you make a decision about it. The third stage is delay, where you wait for God to work in His time. The next stage is difficulty, where God tests you. Then, you might reach a dead end, which will make you want to give up. But, in the end, God always brings you to deliverance, the final stage of His 6 steps of faith.
Reading that was such an encouragement to me as I was currently at the delay and difficulty stage. Knowing what is “normal” really helps, don’t you think? I also had a journal entry from that season where I had quoted from the book, "A Heart Like His" by Beth Moore …
Many times, God gives us a victory that requires blood, sweat and tears. Why? Because He is practical. When He can bring about a victory and strengthen and mature us all at the same time, He is likely to do it. God revels in overcoming and undergirding all at once…What comes out of the battle isn’t nearly as important as who comes out of a battle.
I hope this post inspires you to at least open the door in your soul to begin to dream. Or maybe you are already in the process but feeling weary because it is not going like you planned. Please be assured that it is okay. The discovery, the learning, the growing is as much a part of the dream as is the destination. Go! Dream BIG!!
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