November 18, 2019 will be a day I never forget … the day my first grandchild was born to my first-born daughter. Little Liam Noah arrived four weeks early but he was healthy and just over 6 lbs. I had no idea what I was in for …
Over the last decade, I had observed many of my friends becoming grandparents. They seemed to go crazy over their grandchildren … and I didn’t quite get it. I thought, “Sure, it will be fun. But if it happens fine, and if not, I’m okay with that too.” For me, raising children was mostly stressful. As a full-on introvert, I found the constant noise (my two boys!!), chaos, mess, and neediness wore on my soul. Don’t get me wrong—I loved and love my children with all my heart and would literally die for them, but I can’t say I especially loved the early years. I related with each of them more as they grew, but up through the middle school years were tough for me! What I do love, however, are the young adults my children have become. I love being able to hang out with them and their spouses and significant others, have meaningful conversations about life and offer input into their futures. And I couldn’t get to these current years without the first 20 years, right?!
So back to becoming a grandparent. All throughout my daughter’s pregnancy, I was looking forward to this little boy but still fairly nonchalant about it. My main concern during that time was helping her through body changes and challenges and the variety of emotions that came along. But then there was the day he was born. From the moment I watched him enter this world, I felt a love so deep I cannot explain it. And it has only continued to grow these past few months. I love him in a way that is similar to how I loved my children when they were born, yet it is different as well. As I’ve struggled to put those feelings into words, I keep coming back to a single word—perspective.
As I watch my daughter and Liam’s daddy fall in love with their little boy, I am reminded again of the overwhelming emotions of falling in love with each of my babies when they were born. I am reminded of the miracle of each of us as human beings. The way God designed us so intricately and so individually, and the incredible growth and changes that take place in vitro from a seed to a fully formed person in just a few months is beyond me. The growth and changes since his birth, almost on a daily basis, keep me making weekly trips the 2 hours away to love on him. The tiredness and uncertainty of parents of newborns is a reality that can only be balanced out by the joy of the cuddle and the rewarding smiles. And through it all, I stand back and smile both inside and out, and realize I would do it all over again.
I would go through the sleepless nights, the unending worry about their health, the crying, and the reality of the increase to our monthly budget. I would go through the temper tantrums, the terrible two’s, three’s and four’s, the lack of peace and quiet. I would go through the challenges of the school years with schedules, homework routines, fast-paced afternoons and early evenings of lessons, practices, games, and church activities. I would go through the teenage emotions of withdrawal and anger, stubbornness and defiance. I would go through the big decisions of which school, what friends, when to let go and when to hang on. I would go through the pain of releasing them into a world where they could be hurt emotionally or physically as they traipsed around the world. And for the most part – I would do it differently. Why? Because of perspective. Outwardly, I don’t think my actions would change too much. While definitely not perfect, I usually “did” the right thing. No, what would change would be my heart, my emotions, and hopefully my sense of peace and gratitude.
I would understand that those early days of sleeplessness and anxiousness are temporary. That there would come a day when I would actually feel rested again. That with each child that came along, the anxiety would lessen as I became more experienced. I would realize that those tantrums were not a result of poor parenting, but a stage that would not last, and to take myself out of the equation to be able to stay consistent and firm, but loving at the same time. I would recognize better who I am as a person, and that it was okay to take the time away regularly to recharge and refuel without guilt, and that didn’t make me a bad mom. I would be less invested in where they attended school and more invested in helping them succeed and do their best wherever they were. I would have more boundaries when it came to outside activities that ran us into the ground and took away from our time as a family unit. I wouldn’t take their teenage years so personally but would give them space to figure out who they were and trust that they would become kind, productive and God-honoring adults. I would dream with them about their futures instead of resorting to the safety of practicality and “reality”. I wouldn’t let my own fears limit their futures. I would not be anxious for them to get out of each trying stage and into an easier one. And mostly, I would just enjoy each and every day, realizing the hope of a new day and that it all passes so quickly.
One of my surprises with my young adult kids is how little they actual remember of the day to day of their childhoods. Sure, they remember the highlights and some things that I have no idea why they remember! But what they don’t remember are mom’s day to day frustrations and irritations, the times I messed up and blew it. If I had known this, I would have given myself more grace and relaxed a bit. Yes, I think that’s it … the trade of enjoyment and gratitude for the weight of the responsibility. The balance between guilt and grace.
So what does this have to do with grand parenting? Well, I guess it almost feels like a do-over. Because it’s not my responsibility to raise, train, and provide for this little one (and future ones to come! Yes, I’m ready for more!) I am free to love more and worry less as I see the big picture. How the years of guiding and providing have turned into a wonderful season of friendship and companionship with my adult children. Knowing the more challenging stages are not forever but rewarding ones are around the corner. How I do once again have time for self-care. And to encourage moms who are in the thick of it right now, no matter which stage, to recognize the same things. To encourage you to focus on the joy of your child, the gift they are to you instead of the changes and things that are missing in your life. It will come full circle again. And not to take the ups and downs personally—believe me, I know how hard that is to do. But chances are, the things you are worrying about the most, your kid is not even going to remember! Now, that is God’s grace.
So whether you are currently in the throes of motherhood or you’re in this next glorious stage of grand-parenthood, I hope you will give thanks to God above for the precious gift He has entrusted you with, and you will remember the big picture more than the day to day snapshots.
Gotta run … ready for baby snuggles!!
