Last weekend I experienced a beautiful thing. Back story: whenever one of our husband’s goes out of town, my sisters and myself, along with my mom, plan a girl’s weekend at the temporarily single person’s home. This time we were able to squeeze in a fun 24-hour get-away. We talk, play games, eat, share what’s going on in our lives, help and support each other through our current challenges usually including a time of prayer. Occasionally, a “discussion” arises that is unexpected and takes us by surprise. This was one of those times. But what I witnessed was beautiful healthy conflict resolution that is still making me shake my head in awe.
My mom and my sister and her family share a home … BOOM! In many families, this concept would not ever be entertained. A simple, “Ain’t no way…” would suffice. However, they have been making it work for many years, but it does mean conflicts can arise. Sometimes, as with all of us, we do the best thing and address a hurt or situation as it arises. Other times, in an effort to be loving, understanding, and to keep peace, we can let things build until it boils out of us when we least expect it.
That is what happened to us this weekend. We had been enjoying our time together as we usually do. The night before we had a special time of watching a YouTube video about a young man’s personal experience with heaven and hell and had spent time praying together for our loved ones. Recognizing this made us vulnerable, we even did some extra spiritual warfare praying. Sunday as we were playing a game, one comment opened up Pandora’s Box of some pent-up feelings, hurts and concerns. And BOOM we were all in.
In my family, there is never voice raising, name calling, or any of the other disrespectful things that can happen among some. Instead, it is a lot of tears, talking, tears, nose blowing, talking, and followed by … more tears. We all love and respect each other so much, none of us wants to bring pain upon another person. But that doesn’t mean painful things don’t happen that need to be addressed. Conflict is a normal part of life, and especially when you are two women sharing the same limited space.
Obviously, I’m not going to get into any of the nitty-gritty. But what we all acknowledged and talked about after, is just how precious it is to us that we can have these kinds of discussions that draw us closer to each other instead of sending us into months or even years of more hurt and disrupted relationships. None of us are willing to sacrifice the gift that we have, so we work hard to keep our relationships with each other intact.
I thought I would share with you the steps I saw naturally occur as we worked through this conflict together. My other sister and I were mostly by-standers … listening and praying. But I think it helped that we were there to help emotions stay under control, offer input when asked, and to be praying as they were talking. It will also be helpful for clarification if there is confusion over these same issues in the future.
Hoping they may help you when a situation arises in your family or with your Tribe in the future.
- Speak respectfully to each other without raising voices. But share openly, honestly, and from the heart—get it all out, don’t leave anything left unsaid.
- Listen and don’t speak until the other person is done talking.
- Use “This makes me feel …” language instead of “You should or shouldn’t …”
- Listen for and try to hear the underlying concerns; not just the initial hurts.
- Be willing to acknowledge your part in causing pain to the other, even when it was unintentional.
- Apologize and ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner, without additional conditions.
- Discuss what changes need to be made in the future and come to an understanding both parties can agree upon.
- Show each other grace for past AND future mistakes, recognizing no one is perfect.
- When all has been said, hug it out. Then let it go.
- One final thing, stop and pray anytime during these steps to ask for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and to help keep emotions under control.
As I was reflecting today over what I watched happen in front of me, I looked at my bookshelf and saw a book I hadn’t read for a long time—The 5 Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. The sub-title is “How to Express Healing in All Your Relationships.” As I re-familiarized myself with the book, I was so impressed to see how my mom and sister had followed the steps he outlines. And why this was probably the reason the outcome of the conflict turned out to be so positive. If this is an area you or someone you know struggles in, I would definitely recommend this book.
I want to finish this post with highlights from Galatians 6:1-5. I hope you will go and read the whole section yourself because it really talks about how to live with each other.
“… gently and humbly help each other back to the right path … Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ … you won’t need to compare yourselves to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct.”
I pray for peaceful relationships with those you love most, whether family or friends. And hope these steps for healthy conflict resolution will come to mind the next time a BOOM happens in your relationships.
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